" Scars are souvenirs you never lose,

the past is never far."

When I listen to songs I almost always connect the story being told to myself or someone in my life. I do it sub-consciencly, so every time I hear that song, I'll think of that person or that event...

Some are good memories some not so much.

Death Cab For Cutie- Tiny Vessels

Alanis Morissette- You Oughta Know

Teardrops on my guitar- Taylor Swift

Blister in the Sun- Violent Femmes

I'll melt with you- Nouvelle Vague

Hey there Delila- Plain White T's

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road- Elton John

Sex and Candy- Marcy Playground

Miss you Love- Maria Mena





Sweeney Todd was awesome, needless blood shed and musicals are really a glorious combination.

"Dorothy moves
To click her ruby shoes
Right in tune
With Dark Side of the Moon
Someone someone could tell me
Where I belong
Be calm
Be brave
It'll be ok"-Guster


I'm not unhappy, more unsteady I guess if you can call that a human emotion. I get so exhausted at the end of the day and then I get up and do it all over again. It's like a snow ball effect the more I roll the more I pick up more snow. I'm just getting too heavy. I've gotten really good at putting on a smile, and working to keep everything smooth. I'm so afraid that I'm going slip up they'll loss interest in me and change focus to someone better.


"Christy, I this is your problem. You think you're ugly and that's what you present to us through your body language. Men you agree with me right she is beautiful." there where some awkward nods through out the class. i could feel heat fill my face. "Look, Dr. SoRelle I don't think I'm ugly." she brushed off my comment and proceeded to have me stand on a box reach to the ceiling and spin in front of the class.

I know I'm pretty, but that class made me doubt that. I hate the idea that people see me as an awkward girl with a self image problem. That's not me anymore or at least I hope it's not.


I'm going into Austin and more importantly out of Waco on Wednesday.

"if so, you should walk with me. feel free to hold my hand. feel free to kiss me on the cheek even though i'd prefer the lips. hey i think you're groovy. would you wanna see a movie with me? we can sit in uncomfortable seats and eventually. i'll get the nerve up to put my arm around you. can i put my arms around you? 'cause i'd sure like to. it'll be like an episode of boy meets world. except without the commercials"-Back Seat Goodbye

Come on courage, let me be shy.

Am I letting myself let chances slip by? The purpose of life is to have basically have a purpose.

So do what makes you happy then. But happy isn't always the correct choice. Where I'm standing now is not nearly as important as where I'm going, I only hope I'm picking the right path. Though looking at the whole picture, I'm not too old,

I have time to still make mistakes, learn and change. Right? Just keep trucking.


I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I just lay in my bed and think, until i get so fed up with myself that i read and end up staying up till 3 in the morning.


Life is really much better, not that it was ever really that bad. It's just more enjoyable recently. I was casted in Pride and Prejudice which made me so happy last night.

I miss a lot of people. More than they know.
hey you, thanks for calling me every couple of nights. I love that we can just pick up on our conversations like no time has passed.


"Maybe you will always be
Just a little out of reach..."

If only if only
the woodpecker sighs
the bark on the trees was as soft as
the sky
as the wolf waits below
hungy and lonely
he cries to the moo-oo-oon
if only if only





nick's really the best wood nymph.




I'm so tired.

We all know the obligatory drunk girl at party's, they're always ridiculous and they're always there. But what about the not so infamous drunk guy. They are not quite as loud true but god I'd take a drunk girl over a guy any day.

"hey, I like you. I'm gonna use my best lines on you." * swings dangerously close to my face*

" Alright, shoot." * he touches my leg* " That's not a line, sweetie." *smacking the hand away*

"Ooh I like this one, feisty..." "Now I'm an object, you're doing great pal."


yet again I hate drunk oafs...



Cabaret was cute. I enjoyed it.

Everytime someone asks me how college is all i can say is, interesting. There is so much freedom and yet so much stress. If I don't get into P&P I'm going to probably going to stab a pencil through my left hand, don't think that that would solve anything but it's honestly the first thing I typed.


I forgot "my" hoodie in austin... shoot.


well there's not a point to this entry, just typing really.

toodles



You hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song it’s meant to keep you
From doing what you’re supposed to
Like waking up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I’ll make you banana pancakes

Pretend like it’s the weekend now
And we could pretend it all the time
Can’t you see that it’s just raining
There ain’t no need to go outside

"You're still my girl."

"Always."

I'd really like to find an Angel.



"kiss somebody, and you'll both get practice"






(see I'm not totally cynical, just a little :D )

I think it's quite comical that the thesis of my first college paper was my need to learn how to drive a standard in the case of zombies chasing me and my only escape was a manual car... I guess that's just a testiment to who I am.



I have a head ache. college has brought out the most lazy traits in me... I'm tired and I really must be going to my costuming class.


Oh and through the combined efforts of two friends I will be finally able to go ACL this year, I am so greatful to those people :)

Pomegranate Lemonade is quite good.

I don't miss you as much anymore. Not sure if that's a good or bad. But it's something. I feel myself slipping back into my cynical shell again. I no longer have an erge to read sappy Vampire love books, and when I see a couple holding hands on campus, I think "aw sweet, but it won't last." I don't know why I'm naturally inclined to think this way. It's not like I've had really bad experiences. But whatever, just another testiment. It was a fluke that I was pulled out of my shell for a while.

I miss austin people

ACL here I come. YEEE!

bye

Like the alliteration??

I've found in my long insightful two weeks of college that's I've changed a lot. Last week I wanted to give up. I hated it.

"I can't do this, it's too hard, why is it so fucking easy for some people??" Then i felt my back bone and I snapped out of it. I decided to stop this self pity.

And these last couple of days I've felt such a drastic change in myself. I know I always had the confidence and the independence in me before only, i was never pressured to show it. I'm going into a field with a lot of degradation. I know I'm going to be smacked down a couple hundred times by myself and others, knowing this I still choose it. It's mine. I'm not saying I'm going to breeze by it all with ease it's going to be fucking hard and painful ( as I've seen in my ballet class)

This is the time we either sink or swim. I choose the breast stroke.



Ballet looks all pretty and light and shit.... but it hurts! I am so unbelievebly sore.


I think chivalrous acts by guys are so unexpected and refreshing.
like getting sweet morning texts.

or like the other day i was walking into the library and there was this guy walking up behind me when i got up to the door he yelled out "wait" and hurried up to open the door for me. I was speechless but did manage to say thank you and smile.

I do miss people some thing dreadful. I'm coming home for ACL and that'll take care for most of them. :(

I was reading my Bean book and my friend will asked what is was about then I tried to explain, " well there were these buggers ... well aliens... and this big war... spaceships...ummm... never mind i'm a nerd."
I felt a little foolish.

I am i dialectic thinker, i decided.

I hate that I feel at the moment that I'm not really good enough for anything. Now i know everyone feels like that at times but if you can't vent on livejournal where can you??







Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.

I'm HOME!


This makes me quite happy : )

Well I'm not the first to say I believe in angels but I must say that I may have encountered one today...

while unloading Nick's Uhaul today a rain shower happened upon us. We were trying to lug this huge entertainment center upstairs and it's just starts pouring down. Just when we about gave up and thought the huge wooden thing was going to be ruined, this quite beautiful guy came running out of no where with a tarp. " you guys look like you could use a hand"

It was great I love random acts of kindness from strangers. Especially beautiful ones. Lets me know the worlds not totally full of douches...



It's interesting what opportunities arise when you're free as a bird... very interesting.


my throat kinda hurts. oh well.


I hope I don't get lonely in Waco. Well... I have books.

I wish I didn't get so caught in my head. I think to damn much.

So I've decided that the universe has it out for me.

Maybe it's karma.

This morning I wake up with a splitting head ache. I stumble down stairs and step into a fresh puddle of dog piss.... my dogs getting older and if I don't let her out in the morning she'll have an accident. So I clean that up and pop an advil. Then I take my car to get a filter changed ( a procedure that should only take 10 minutes) I was there for 2 hours cause he found other things wrong with it...

ok. so that's not too bad.

oh but here's the cadence....

I go to the last dodgeball game of the year. While walking by the court trying to show Mandy it was safe to cross, i get pegged in the side of the head by Nick Alessandro... my eyes instanly started watering from the blow and my ear was bleeding. About thirty minutes later while nursing my stinging ear I was standing on the side lines of the blue balls,
Then it happened
A ball came speeding at danny and like normal he deflecked it. It of course came straight for my face. It hit me on the nose so hard I saw stars. I grabbed for my nose and felt warm liquid gushing out of it. It was humiliating. some guy yelled "way to take one for the team.... again!" I had  to run all the way to the bathroom with blood pouring out of my nose.

When I got in to the sanctuary of the bathroom. I broke down. I felt the tears rolling down my face, they weren't from the humiliation, the pain, or the feeling of nausea...it was some thing else. I was sobbing and shaking and bleeding. Ashley and Mandy were standing behind me trying to comfort me.

It was pretty pathetic.

I hate looking and feeling weak.

I still went to Aarons good bye  party... I could only stay for a little while because of my aching head and still feeling nauseous.

now I'm home, my mom say's i may have a minor concussion.

I've had a great couple of days : )

I'm okay.


Really; I just needed a couple of days. I had a lot of unexpected people come out of the wood work to comfort me... I must say.

 After all this I have decided to safe guard myself a little more and also focus on other things than the oppisite sex. I'm not saying I'm going to close that part of me off... just make it a little harder to get to.




I'm very excited for what's next. College is going to be good.

I went to the Zilker Hillside Musical tonight. It was wonderful. Every scene was pleasurable to watch all except one. It was a duet scene between the main character and his love interest, He was nervous and was trying to make jokes but the girl just said, " put aside the facade and just dance with me. " Then the two characters slow danced to no music under the stars. Then they slowly stopped and he kissed her softly.

When they started to dance. I felt it boiling up inside me. I started to crumble. All I could see was him taking my hand and guiding me in a musicless dance...

I couldn't watch the actors anymore.

I've never felt this kind of pain before. It's like I'm made of eggshells and could shatter at anytime. I've never felt this alone, like I'm separate from everyone else.
I'm sorry, I can't smile right now. Atleast not a real one that is. Sorry if I disappoint you.

I'm going to be fine though. I have good friends who love me.  I know I will smile again.  I am going to remain strong. I'm going to stay busy and I'll be fine through out the day... it's at night when I can't escape it. But soon that'll go away too. I know it will.

I don't regret it. We really were lucky.
I wouldn't change it for the world.
Thank you

"So long sweet summer,
I fell into you, now you're gracefully drifting away."

I just wish it didn't hurt this much.

I close both locks below the window,
I close both blinds and turn away.

sometimes solutions aren't simple.
sometimes goodbye's the only way.

And the sun will set for you

The sun will set for you

And the shadow of the day will embrace the world in grey... and the sun will set for you.


So I guess this is it then.